


Misty Watercolor

by Pfain Ryder (Cat_Moon)



Series: The Mirror Universe [3]
Category: Quantum Leap
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 19:30:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19383271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Pfain%20Ryder
Summary: In the previous story, Sam and Al had leaped before he could tell Al that Donna was trying to get him killed.  Where does he leap to next?  Is Al there? Most importantly, does Donna succeed?





	Misty Watercolor

**Author's Note:**

> 3rd in the Mirror Universe. From the zine Quantum Fire #6. Written 1992.

 

The Control Room was usually the scene of chaotic activity; however, in the last few days it bordered on the desperate, as we tried to repair damage to the Imaging Chamber caused by a freak fire. We worked around the clock, trying to insure that my hologram would be available to Sam by the time he'd leaped into another life. Unfortunately, Ziggy told us of the new leap long before repairs were finished. I was frantic by that point, knowing how Sam would react to my absence. Since I'd actually been in the previous leap with him, he might think I was still leaping, somewhere else. I hadn't had time to contemplate the change in our relationship, beyond realizing it might add to Sam's panic when I didn't show up.

Then, the atmosphere took another unexpected turn. Mere moments before, Ziggy made the startling announcement that Sam had leaped out. Now he pinpointed Sam's new whereabouts – in the Accelerator. He'd finally leaped home. That was followed by his appearance, walking unsteadily out to us. Now all motion was stopped on a giant freeze frame. Everyone stared at Sam; he stared at us.

I couldn't move. I don't know what made me hesitate, all I wanted to do was grab him...and give him a big kiss. Which I couldn't, had no right, to do. Not here, with his wife in attendance. Suddenly, I was unsure, wondering if what we'd shared was real or just a dream. Something out of time. If he still wanted...

Donna was the first to break the spell. Smiling with happiness, she ran forward to greet her husband. "Sam!" She wrapped her arms around him, and kissed him.

A knot of unease formed, as I watched him gently-but-firmly detach her arms from his neck. It could have been his way of saying that marriage was over, but I didn't think so. He would never be that tactless. Yet the scene was a familiar one, just out of place here. It was Sam's typical reaction to the women he encountered in the leaps, right down to the confused, embarrassed look on his face. I shared a worried glance with Verbena, then focused on Sam again.

"Excuse me," he mumbled to Donna. "But...do I know you?"

Her face blanched, and she stumbled back a few steps.

I heard Tina question Gooshie, the same thing that was on my mind. Had my hopes been built up only to be torn down? Was it really Sam?

"Ziggy says yes," Gooshie informed us.

"Ziggy's been wrong before," I grumbled under my breath.

Meanwhile, Sam was backing away from Donna with an expression of distrust and almost hostility on his face. He stared around the room in growing confusion. "Where am I, anyway?"

"Do you know your name?" Verbena asked gently.

He hesitated, face reflecting deep thought. "It's S...Sam. My name is Sam." His eyes narrowed in uneasy suspicion. "What the hell is going on?" He backed into the wall, sliding slowly down to the floor.

His distress broke through my self-absorption, and I found I could move. I went to him, taking his shoulders gently. The others were looking to me; no matter what Ziggy said, I should be able to tell if it was really Sam. I was the only one who had any control over who I saw. Except for times of deep stress, or when I was tired, or sick, I could see past the aura.

"Sam--look at me," I commanded.

After a moment, he met my eyes. I found my answer, as always, there.

"Sam, do you know who I am?"

He searched my eyes intently, for his own answers. I could see the struggle going on inside him, as he attempted to put the pieces together. Finally, his face transformed into timid vulnerability...the kind he only showed with me. "Al...you're Al." That seemed to be answer enough for him. "Where am I, Al?" he glanced around the unfamiliar room nervously.

Verbena stepped forward. "You're home, Sam."

"Home?" he asked incredulously, never taking his gaze off of me.

"Home sweet home," I told him, with a reassuring smile. "We've been waiting a long time for you."

I automatically glanced at Donna. She was staring at us, with a look I'd never seen on her face. If I hadn't known better, I would have called it malevolent. Sam's reaction not being the warm reunion she'd expected, I could understand her disappointment and hurt. I had to tread carefully there, myself.

Beeks knelt down in front of us. Sam reacted by moving slightly closer to me.

"It's okay, Sam," she soothed. "I know this must be very confusing for you. You've had some memory loss, but I'm sure it'll all come back to you. I'm Verbena."

Sam glanced back to me for confirmation. I nodded.

She motioned to Donna, who came to stand next to her. "Can you remember Donna, Sam?"

He shook his head immediately in denial.

"Sam," Beeks continued patiently. "Donna is your wife."

A look of total astonishment hit him. "I don't know her," he insisted, voice growing more agitated. 'I don't know any of you." His gaze to me clearly said--except you.

"Take it easy, Sam," I soothed.

"Is it true?" he whispered to me.

"Yes."

"I'm...home?"

I nodded to him. "Stallion Gate, New Mexico. Project Quantum Leap. Does that ring a bell?"

His eyes filled with tears, and he shook his head violently. "No. "Al--please tell me what's going on!"

I drew him slowly into my arms. "It's gonna be okay."

He sighed, some of the tension leaving as he relaxed against me. We were making painfully slow progress.

"Don't worry buddy, we'll fix everything."

Gooshie was furiously trying to get some information out of Ziggy, Tina helping. Donna had left the room.

Verbena climbed to her feet, sympathetic brown eyes resting on Sam. "Fascinating."

 

QLQLQL

 

After much coaxing from me, Sam finally agreed to let himself be taken to the infirmary. The staff wanted to run various tests, to see if his amnesia was just a reverse of what he'd experienced when he first leaped, or something else. He clung to me the whole way, and was so uncooperative when it was time for me to leave that Verbena had to administer a mild sedative.

It was becoming obvious that what Sam knew of me was more instinct and emotion than actual memories. Once he did get him memory back, whether he'd recall our one night together or not was questionable. And I had to admit to myself...maybe that would be for the best.

I promised to return immediately after the examination was through, then left to find Donna. Whatever had happened between me and her husband, I was their friend first.

 

QLQLQL

 

Donna wasn't at the Project, so I took a drive out to their house. What I found, threw me for a loop.

Her car was out front, so when she didn't answer the doorbell, I got worried and let myself in. I found Donna in the bedroom, throwing clothes into her suitcase with a vengeance.

As I stood in the doorway watching, I guiltily squelched the flicker of relief before it could grow. This ordeal wasn't going to be easy on me, but I knew in my heart that if Sam never remembered our night of love on his own, I wouldn't tell him. I'd loved him in silence a long time, it was no big deal. Especially to spare him from having to chose...save him from the guilt I was living with.

I would do the right thing. This woman had waited faithfully for years, she had prior claim.

"Donna, what are you doing?" I finally asked.

"Leaving," she informed me through her tears.

"You can't, Sam's home now!"

There were times in the past when Donna had gotten discouraged, contemplated leaving. I'd always been able to talk her out of it. For that reason, I owed it to her to try once again.

I rested a comforting hand on her shoulder. "He'll get his memory back, Don't worry."

"I'm not so sure it'll make a difference," she mumbled.

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," she answered in a clipped tone.

"Please, Donna. Just give him a little time. He loves you," I pleaded.

"Obviously not as much as--" she broke off the sentence, slamming her suitcase shut.

I had a feeling I knew what it was she'd been about to say. I closed off the part of my memory where that night of love lived as soundly as she'd shut the suitcase. If I was going to pull it off, I needed to do a lot of pretending--especially to myself.

"You can't be telling me you're jealous of me?" I asked incredulously. Then I softened my tone, pushing her down on the bed. "Listen, it's not surprising he remembered me first, I was the only one with him through his leaping. But you're the only woman he ever really loved. He told me that many times."

She sniffed slightly. "He..."

"He'll be his old self again in no time. You've waited this long, how can you quit when you're so close to getting your husband back?"

Donna stared at the suitcase with a faraway look. "I really have to go. When he remembers..."

"What happens when his memory returns and he asks where you are, feeling guilty about the way he acted?"

"Do you really think he will?" Donna asked. Before I had a chance to answer, she continued. "Do they think he'll get _all_ of his memory back?"

"Most. Oh, maybe the more recent things might be lost." _Nothing that will hurt you..._

"When he leaped home before, he started forgetting all the leaps..." she said as if to herself.

When we simo-leaped, and had Sam left her yet again...to save me.

"Give him a chance, please," I repeated the basic premise of my case. It felt suspiciously like I wasn't trying as hard as I could have. I wondered if I was losing my touch, or being clouded by personal feelings.

For a moment, there was no answer. Finally she sighed. "Okay. You might be right."

"Atta girl." I managed a smile, feeling like my face was going to crack. "Listen, I have to go back to the Project. I'll let you know as soon as something changes."

 

QLQLQL

 

Sam was starting to remember more by the time I got back, as I discovered when I visited him in the infirmary. He now recognized the inner circle of the staff: Verbena, Gooshie, Tina, and Ziggy. The rest was still fuzzy, but what he did know gave him a sense of belonging, helping him cope until the rest came back. He was actually better off than he'd been on that first leap. At least he knew he was home and among friends.

I guessed I had a little of the boy scout in me as well; I found myself tempting fate. "What about Donna, Sam? Do you remember her?" I queried, sitting down on the bed.

"No," he shook his head firmly.

"She's your wife, Sam."

"No." He shook his head again. "I don't have a wife. I can't be married."

Like before, he was becoming upset by my questioning. I wondered if this part of his amnesia might be self-induced.

I rested a comforting hand on his arm. "Okay, it's okay." I paused to think over my next question, then plunged on. "Do you remember the last leap? Or the one we were both in?"

"Leap...I remember something about leaps." He brought his hand up to his forehead, brow wrinkled with the labor of trying. "I can't think when you keep questioning me like this," he whined. "Everyone keeps asking me things I can't answer. Asking, asking, never leaving me alone."

"I'm sorry," I appeased. "I won't ask you any more tonight."

He quieted, closing his eyes.

"Why don't you get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning."

Sam's eyes flew open in alarm. "Don't leave!" He tried to sit.

Placing my hands firmly on his shoulders, I kept him down. "Relax, Sammy, I'm right here. I'll stay until you fall asleep, okay?"

He smiled, one of those sappy ones that always brought a lump to my throat. "Thanks, Al."

This, I reflected as he snuggled against the hand he'd taken possession of with childlike trust, was worse than him remembering everything and choosing Donna."

 

QLQLQL

 

"What's your opinion of Sam's condition, Doctor?" I asked Beeks. We were sitting in her office, where I'd headed promptly after Sam fell asleep.

She sat back in her chair and heaved a huge sigh. "It's hard to say at this point," she answered, rifling through a pile of papers on the desk. "He's actually remembering faster than he did when he originally leaped. Then again, when you two simo-leaped, everything seemed to come back to him very quickly."

"That was different," I pointed out.

"Not when he used the Accelerator again to save you, and he didn't seem to suffer any appreciable amnesia at all, according to your report."

I nodded. "Our most recent theory was that the effects diminish with subsequent use of the Accelerator. Has it just been proven garbage, or is there something else going on here?"

Beeks shrugged. "So far, he seems healthy, physically. We may know more when the rest of the test results come in. But as far as subsequent use goes..." Her eyes twinkled at me. "You've shown very little memory impairment compared to him, any time you've leaped."

"I have less to forget," I joked.

"It might have to do with emotional stability," she suggested coyly.

"Then you're definitely barking up the wrong tree there," I quipped. You don't work for years with someone without learning to read what they aren't saying as well as what they say. "You have a theory." It wasn't a question.

"Just an idea, a hunch if you will."

When she paused, I prompted her. "Does it have anything to do with what I've been toying with, that at least some of it maybe self-induced?"

"I'm going to have to give you an honorary psych degree when this is all over with. Close, but I was thinking trauma-induced. Perhaps something that happened on his last leap. Unfortunately, we don't know anything about it, because the IC wasn't on line at the time. If I'm right, it's locked up in here," she pointed to her forehead.

"Is it possible he'll never remember the previous couple of leaps?" I found myself asking. Dammit, why was I so stuck on that? I had to put it out of my mind once and for all, concentrate on helping Sam. I also needed to know how to deal with Sam, not be stuck in limbo.

Beeks shrugged. "Sam's not exactly following anyone's rules on this. During the simo-leap, he started forgetting _all_ the leaps. Yet when you returned, you remembered yours clearly. Which, come to think of it, might be explainable by the self-induced theory. He might have had a need to forget certain leaps and his _activities_ during, just as he had a need to forget he was married while leaping. Reverse Swiss-cheesing. Elementary, my dear Watson."

"You're saying he forget Donna on purpose?" Too late I realized I hadn't phrased my question clearly enough. I meant while leaping. Once again, I was trapped by Verbena's keen mind and my own carelessness.

"Well, I never subscribed to the notion that _God_ fixed it so he'd forget he was married while sleeping with others, but then that's just a personal belief." She fixed me with one of her probing gazes. "However, I _am_ interested in why he continues to have no memory of her now, while he's slowly recognizing everyone else. Do you know of any reason he'd have to want to blot her out?"

"No." Not when he doesn't remember what happened between us either, no. "Unless something happened between them that we don't know about," I suggested to throw her off the scent. She'd been privy to a lot of my secrets over the years, but I wasn't ready to confess this one yet.

Verbena's eyebrows raised, but she said nothing. She studied me a few moments, as if gauging my answer.

"Possibly," she finally said. "In any case, I think we've done just about all the theorizing we can, until we have more information. Perhaps if I have a talk with Donna, she might be able to shed some light on the problem."

"She's not taking his amnesia too well," I confessed.

"I should have gone to see her before this, I was just so occupied with Sam."

"You can't be in two places at once," I pointed out.

She gave me a wry grin, acknowledging the turning of her own frequent words to me against her. "Get out of here and get some rest!" she ordered.

I rose and saluted.

 

QLQLQL

 

When Sam first started leaping, I was living with Tina in a condo in Alamogordo. Quite a distance away, but Socorro, the closest town of any decent size, didn't have the level of activity I wanted at the time. After several months of almost disastrous consequences, near traffic accidents, and frayed nerves, I'd finally fixed myself an apartment within the Project itself. On late nights like this, I was just as glad I didn't have to travel; in the elevator, up two levels, and I was home.

I walked in the door, already loosening my tie. Tossing it over the paisley lamp shade, I began unbuttoning my shirt and heading for the bedroom. I didn't bother turning on the lamp, the glow from the green security light by the door was enough. I was tired, all I could think about was getting horizontal as soon as possible. Besides, if I was asleep I couldn't think. And I had a lot not to think about.

The sight I walked into stopped me in my tracks. Sam was curled up in my bed, sleeping. Somehow he'd found his way there, and made himself at home. I stood watching him for a few minutes, marveling at the innocence showing in his face during slumber. A rush of protectiveness washed over me, insuring his safety in my care.

The first thing I did was contact the main project, so they wouldn't be calling out a search for the missing scientist. I smiled down at Sam, as I covered him with the blanket. Then I finished undressing, put on my pajamas, and stretched out next to him.

Sam had been correct in guessing that my love for him began a long time ago. During his leaps, I finally realized how much he meant to me...when I didn't have him here anymore. Now I had him back. Only he wasn't mine, didn't remember our one night of love. And I had to shut down my feelings once again.

Still, it was nice to be able to lay beside him, even in innocence. The sound of his quiet breathing underscored his presence in my life again, and lulled me into the first really peaceful sleep I'd had since his premature step into the Accelerator.

I don't know how long I was asleep, but I was woken abruptly by yelling. After the disorientation passed, I realized Sam was thrashing around in the bed, in the clutches of a nightmare.

"Stop...don't!" he was yelling to someone desperately.

I sat up and shook the shoulder nearest me, calling his name softly. It brought him back; he jumped up and cried my name, opening his eyes.

"Sam, are you okay?"

"Al?" he croaked in a hoarse voice. His eyes caught the faint light, glistening with moisture.

"Yeah, it's me. I'm right here."

With a strangled sob, he wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my neck.

I rubbed the quaking back. "It's okay, it was just a dream."

"She...I dreamt she was here."

"Who?"

"D-Donna," he answered almost grudgingly. "She had a knife and she was coming toward you with it. I tried to beg her to stop, to yell for you to wake up, but you didn't hear me. Then she...plunged it into your heart..." his voice broke.

I didn't have to be Freud to interpret that one. His subconscious was feeling guilty for cheating on her with me. It looked like I was right about his amnesia.

"She wouldn't want to hurt you, would she, Al?"

"It was just a dream, Sam," I repeated, getting a skeptical look in return. "Hey, she's your wife, she loves you."

He shivered. "I don't have to go home right away, do I?"

"I think the docs have more plans for you. But you can't stay here, either."

"Oh," he said dejectedly. "Do I have to go now?"

I couldn't deny the little-boy plea. "No." I watched as he settled back down, pulling the blanket up to his chin. "You know, this not remembering Donna might be because you're feeling guilty over something. And I just want you to know, you don't have to be. Okay?"

He gave me a bemused smile. "Okay. Al? Will you hold me?"

"It will be my pleasure." He snuggled into my arms like a little kid hiding from the world. "Everything is gonna be fine, Sam. You're home now and no one is going to hurt you."

I think he was asleep before I even finished speaking.

 

QLQLQL

 

I rose early the next morning. After a shower and shave, I went into the kitchen. As I fixed breakfast for us, I realized how long it had been since I'd had Sam as a house guest. It was a good feeling. I like it, too much.

With impeccable timing, Sam wandered into the kitchen just as I was about to go in and wake him. He stood there by the table, looking stunned.

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

"Holy shit--I created all this stuff!" he blurted in astonishment, arms out to encompass the whole Project.

I burst out laughing. "Yeah, we're all pretty amazed by it too," I quipped. "How're you feeling?"

"Starved," Sam told me.

"Good." I dished out the omelets as he sat down. "What else did you remember?"

"That you're a lousy cook." But his eyes sparkled with teasing.

"Then you're gonna go hungry."

"Did I say lousy? I meant wonderful."

"Mmm hmm." I joined him at the table. "What else?" I pressed.

"A lot, I guess," he mumbled around a mouthful of food. "When I woke up, it was just...there. Security clearances, equations..."

"Do you remember the leaps?"

"Some, vaguely." His eyebrows wrinkled in thought. "I remember garbage. Lot's of garbage. But...I get scared when I try to remember more about it." He looked at me questioningly.

"Garbage?" I considered it. "Well, there was one leap, where a gangster tried to throw you out with the garbage on a cruise ship."

"Yeah," he said distantly. "That must be it."

"Do you remember Donna yet?"

"No, I don't remember Donna!" he yelled. "If you're so worried about that, I promise you'll be the first to know! Now can I eat, please?!"

"Okay," I answered quietly.

This was just great. His guilt over being unfaithful was causing him to block out his wife. And I was the one who had the key which could very well be the only thing to unlock his memory. If he didn't remember soon on his own... For the first time, I realized I might have to tell my secret. My only choice was: to Verbena, or Sam?

 

QLQLQL

 

After settling Sam back where he belonged, I headed to my office. I found Donna waiting for me there.

She was aimlessly wandering around the room, nervously examining everything as if she hadn't seen it before. A photo of Sam and me that was hanging on the wall claimed her undivided attention. It was of us standing with our arms around each other, in tuxedos. Taken at their wedding.

"Donna? Is everything okay?" I asked, sitting down and taking out a cigar.

"Huh?" She turned to me as if just remembering I was in the room. "Oh, I guess. Has Sam gotten any more of his memory back?"

"Some," I answered evasively. "Is there something I can do for you?" I asked when she didn't speak again.

"I had a long talk with Verbena this morning. She said I should...talk to you."

"About what?" I sighed, having a pretty good idea. I was already tired of the whole thing. Sam had the right idea. I just wished I could forget.

"Why I was feeling so...why I'm afraid to wait for Sam to get his memory back." Donna lapsed into silence again.

"I was wondering about that, myself," I admitted.

"This isn't easy for me, Al. But Verbena convinced me, I have to get it off my chest." She gave up her examinations and flopped down on the couch.

"She's good at that," I agreed. I could tell Donna did not want to say whatever it was. The whole situation was hard on all of us. For that reason alone, I almost wished Sam and I had never made love that night.

Almost.

I got up and went over, sitting down beside her on the couch. "Just say it right out," I encouraged. "You'll feel better afterward."

"It's about the time you and Sam simo-leaped. When you got hit on the head...he raced out of the Imaging Chamber, and started getting ready to go back into the Accelerator again." She took a deep breath. "I tried to stop him. He said you'd die if he didn't and I said...I said I didn't care. I didn't mean it. it was just my emotions talking," she added hastily. Tears slid down her cheeks. "I was just so happy to have him back finally...I didn't think I could bear to let him go again. It hurt so much!"

Donna's behavior at the house now made sense. "Of course I understand," I told her gently. I did, more than she knew.

"Because of those carelessly flung words, I'm afraid he'll hold it against me, that it might come between us. Maybe that's even why he doesn't remember me," she added with a sob.

What a mess things were. Reminded of Sam's sacrifice for me, I felt my own guilt double. 'I doubt that," I told her. "He's not the type of person to hold something like that against his own wife. I'm sure he knew how hard it was for you." _Besides, he's got a better reason for his amnesia..._

"Do you forgive me, Al?" she whispered.

I took her hand. "I know how you feel, I really do. Remember when I tried to get my first wife, Beth, back? I didn't even bother asking Ziggy about the reason for Sam's being there. I risked the leap-- and Sam--because all I cared about was my own selfish needs. We're all human, Donna. Sometimes we just can't help listening to the pain."

"You're very right about that, Al," she said with quiet intensity.

The video intercom interrupted us. I went over to the desk and pushed the button. Gooshie's frowning face hovered in front of me.

"What is it, Gooshie?"

"We finally got to the bottom of the fire in the Imaging Chamber. It was no accident. Admiral – it was sabotage."

I stared at him for a minute, the implications forcing themselves, unwanted, into my mind. Now, on top of all my other problems, I had to find an arsonist among my staff. "I'll be right there, Gooshie."

When I looked up again, Donna was gone.

 

QLQLQL

 

The rest of the day was a blur of activity. I called a meeting of the inner staff, to discuss the situation. I put Tina and Gooshie to work with Ziggy, compiling a list of possible suspects among those with motive, means, and opportunity. I had Verbena go through her psychological profiles, looking for some. Sure, Ziggy could have done all that by himself, but I still prefer to combine a computer with human instinct. I also hand picked a guard, and put him on duty outside Sam's room at the infirmary. I wasn't taking any chances, just in case this culprit had more personal intentions than just throwing a monkey wrench into the Project itself. After all, damaging the Imaging Chamber meant I couldn't be there to get Sam through the leaps. As I watched Tina and Gooshie go off, I was thankful for at least one thing in this mess: I didn't have to added complication of Tina in my life. We'd ended our relationship on amicable terms a few months before, when I caught her with Gooshie and she confessed that she was in love with him. After I got over my utter shock at the incongruous idea, and a mild case of wounded male pride, we had a long talk. I was forced to admit that our relationship had been a convenience to me. Tina was there, a warm body in the bed without having to waste time and energy going out looking for one. I could devote all my attention to Sam and the leaps. That wasn't fair to her. I let her go, with my blessing.

Maybe that's why I'd been especially vulnerable to Sam's seduction. On the other hand...maybe it was just Sam I was vulnerable to.

By the time I went to visit Sam, it was late. He scolded me for my absence, relenting when I told him I'd had important Project business to attend to. I didn't tell him what; even though he now had over ninety percent of his memory back, and was almost his old self, I didn't want to worry him.

He still had no memory of his wife, or anything that happened from his leap into the gay artist on.

 

QLQLQL

 

On my way to my apartment, I noticed the light still on in Gooshie's office. After a moment of speculation, I palmed the intercom on the wall.

"Yes, Admiral," Gooshie's voice floated out, sounding weary, but not out of breath, frustrated, or...busy. The door slid open.

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" I asked as I entered. I chuckled at the blush now staining Gooshie's usually pale cheeks. I guessed he still wasn't used to how easily I accepted their relationship.

Tell the truth, neither was I, at least, not until I'd spent that night in Sam's embrace.

"No, sir," Gooshie assured me. "Just working with Ziggy on our problem." He used to call me Al more often before, I noted.

"I don't think I like this," I told them. They looked at me questioningly. "I'm on my way home for the night, and you two are still here burning the midnight oil? You're going to kill my reputation as a workaholic."

Tina smiled. "Sam's home now, you don't stand a chance. Pretty soon you'll be getting lots of rec time, pulling him away form his work, forcing him to eat, making him have a good time..."

"Just like you always did with me," I smiled my gratitude. And god, was she good at making me have a good time...I pushed away the fond reminiscence. "Let me return the favor--go home!"

"Yes, sir, Gooshie answered quickly. "We've just finished the suspect list," he added, looking up at me knowingly.

I didn't disappoint him. "Who?" I asked, stepping closer to the desk in instant attention, forgetting all about going home to bed.

"Chief I.C. Tech Sandberg," Gooshie began.

"Impossible," I insisted. "Sam and I have both known Greg since MIT. Besides, with what motive?"

"Jealousy, of your Project. He had work of his own, dealing with nuclear fusion, but never got funding."

I shook my head. "Ziggy may think he knows all about human emotion, but he's way off base there. Besides, that's easy to trace. We can check with personnel and see where Sandberg was logged into when the fire was started."

"But Ziggy would have known that," Tina pointed out.

"Not if Greg didn't want Ziggy knowing where he was," I told her.

With Ziggy running PQL, it shouldn't be difficult to find the saboteur. Only a handful of people had the kind of knowledge and skill necessary to do something like that. Or so I thought.

"Weitzman," Gooshie continued.

I snorted.

"And...Donna Elesee."

"Now that's even more ridiculous! Who else?"

"Does this look like a shopping list?" Gooshie asked.

The words sounded vaguely familiar, and even though I couldn't exactly place them.

"That's it," he concluded.

I stared at him, trying to will him to present a few more, believable possibilities, with my glare. It didn't work.

"You're lucky you're involved with Gooshie now, or Ziggy would be accusing you," I told Tina.

"Unless some other information presents itself, Ziggy says it has to be one of those three," Gooshie added unnecessarily.

"Okay, okay," I muttered, rubbing at my temples. "Enough for tonight, we'll check them out in the morning. Go to bed." At the door, I couldn't resist turning back. "And for god's sake, try to get at least a little rest while you're at it."

"Al!" Tina's sweet voice, ringing with indignant reproach, followed me out into the hall.

 

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After a quick call to check on Sam, I crawled under the covers of my bed. Time ceased, and I floated in the void of sleep...until, like the passing from one second to another, I was awake again. The room was silent around me, yet instinct and training, though long in disuse, told me something had woken me.

I lay still, straining my senses for anything out of place among the familiar sounds I knew. I quickly identified a rustling, close by. I could feel the presence of another in the bedroom with me. And it was getting closer.

I carefully eased my hand out from under the covers, reaching towards the gun in the night stand. I yanked the drawer open as the bed dipped, and had my hand around the gun--and, at the same instant-- knew who my visitor was.

"Al?" a voice whispered.

I closed the drawer again, and heaved a sigh as my pulse began to quiet. "What are you doing here, Sam?" I asked. It came out sounding like a reproach.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No, you just almost got your head blown off, that's all." A knot of unease replaced the tension. Just why was he here?

"Sorry."

"We both would have been," I answered.

"What's going on, Al?" he asked, his tone very serious. "Why was there a guard outside of my door?"

That brought up another question. "How'd you get passed him?"

"I reminded him who was the boss, and neither of us figured he was there to keep me in...but don't try to change the subject."

"Yeah, well, unfortunately that is the subject."

"Al--" he warned. "I know you've been handling everything by yourself for a lot of years now. I know I dumped a ton of responsibility on your lone shoulders when I cut out. But I'm back now, and I expect to be treated like your partner, not a child that has to be protected."

_Then why'd you climb into my bed?_

"Yes, brat--I mean boss."

He made an impatient sound, ignoring my teasing.

"There was a fire in the Imaging Chamber, while you were between leaps. We just found out it was arson."

"What?" he breathed, sliding closer to me. "Who'd want to do that?!"

"I don't know yet, but with Ziggy's help, I'll find out soon."

"If I had gone into another leap..." he began uncertainly. The in-control leader of moments ago was gone, replaced again by vulnerability. He shivered.

"What's wrong?" I asked instantly.

"I don't know," he admitted uneasily.

I slipped an arm around him, and he leaned into it. "It's a lot for you to digest, all at once. Just don't worry, I've got it under control," I told him quietly.

"I guess that's why," he answered distantly. "I feel so cold, Al," he said, body shaking.

I pulled the blanket up around him.

"I feel like there's something I have to remember, but I can't!" he said, frustration clear in his voice.

"You can't force things like this. It'll come back when the time is right," I soothed, hoping I was right. "You never answered my question before," I teased, to lighten the mood. "So what are you doing in my bed?"

This time I didn't see him coming. A pair of warm lips suddenly closed on mine. Against my will--what will?--my arms folded around him, and I was kissing back. A lifetime of skillful conquests, and I was a pathetically sad excuse of a philanderer. In other words, I was a goner.

Sam pulled away slowly, looking more surprised than I was. "I don't know why I did that..." he whispered.

I felt the tension in him, the uncertainty. I remained silent, trying to regain my flimsy composure. Could I continue lying to him with a clear conscience?

"I do," I finally answered.

"You mean, we..."

"It wasn't a first," I answered.

"And...I'm really married to Donna?" he said with a trace of sadness.

I nodded. "Do you remember her yet?"

"I remember leaping into that English Professor, and reuniting her with her father. But I don't remember our life together. Al, I don't believe in cheating..."

"I know," I put in hastily, wanting to make it easy on him.

"But I guess I've done more than even you ever did, haven't I? he said, no doubt feeling the inevitable guilt of his infidelities.

"It wasn't your fault you didn't remember her. And she understood, it was her decision. You had no choice, you had to complete the leaps."

"There were plenty of times I had a choice, Al," Sam said quietly. "And I still don't remember her."

"What's the point of all this?" I asked impatiently.

Sam moved closer. So close, I could feel his breath on my face when he spoke. "I don't know. All I know right now is that I want to be with you."

"Sam--" I began warningly. I didn't think I was up to dealing with the inevitable feelings...afterward.

"I know I owe my wife something. But I figure I owe you, too. I guess I forgot another biggie. Whatever the truth is...I don't want to know yet. You've been waiting a long time, too." His lips grazed over mine.

"If you change your mind when you remember everything--" I began.

"I promise I'll decide fairly," he told me.

I shook my head, taking his face in my hands. In the end, it wasn't me or Donna who was important. It was Sam. "Decide with your heart."

"I guess I'll have to refresh my memory, then. So I can make an informed decision..."

As he took me in his arms, I had a feeling I knew what his decision would be. And god help me, I was praying for it.

 

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It was almost a repeat of earlier, except for some glaring differences. This sleep was a warm cocoon of afterglow, wrapping around me like an old, favorite blanket on a bitter winter night. When consciousness insinuated itself on me, I fought it resentfully. Until I remembered that Sam was there too, really there this time.

So I woke up. I lay there with my face buried in his neck; listening to him breathing, feeling his vibrant body entangled with mine, smelling the lingering traces of our lovemaking. I never wanted to move.

Gradually, I became aware of something else. Something outside of us. It was faint, elusive, but it was as if I could sense a presence other than ours. I had the distinct uneasy feeling that I--we--were being watched.

Then I remembered the fire in the Imaging Chamber.

Everything else took place in a slow motion that seemed like a blur afterwards. I gave Sam an unceremonious shove to wake him, and switched on the lamp. The sight I saw convinced me I was only in the throes of a dream; the unreality of the scene froze me.

Donna stood at the foot of the bed, with a large butcher knife in her hands.

Then Sam was awake, and they were staring at each other. A look passed between them that I couldn't interpret, but I had a feeling he'd gotten his memory back.

There was a glint of madness in her eyes. "Sorry, Al," she said. "I know how you hate to get in the middle of these marital squabbles of ours."

"Put it down," Sam growled, in a tone which commanded obedience.

"I'll put it down all right," Donna said, and lunged.

I could feel her weight on the bed. Saw Sam grab for her, and the brief struggle. The knife sailed into the air, landing on the floor with a clatter. With an almost inhuman cry, she wrenched free of his grasp. Like a rubber band snapping, the momentum carried her halfway across the room, and put her in the vicinity of the knife. She grabbed the weapon and started to flee the scene.

That's when Sam started to scramble out of the bed, and I snapped out of my immobility. I just about sat on him, to prevent him from going after her. "She's dangerous--let security handle it!" I yelled, sparing a hand to grab the phone.

Sam quit struggling against my restraining efforts, and I was able to put out the alarm. I barked a few terse orders, then turned my attention back to Sam.

He was laying on his stomach, with his head down on folded arms. "I'm sorry, Al."

" _You're_ sorry?" I asked incredulously. I rubbed his shoulders and arms comfortingly. "She was on Ziggy's suspect list. I just couldn't believe--" my voice died as I pulled my hand away from him, and saw the blood on my fingers.

"Sam!" I choked out, pulling him over in panic.

"I'm okay, it's just a little cut," he assured me.

I ignored him, checking for myself. I didn't breath until I'd wiped away enough blood with my shirt to tell that he was right. In the struggle, the knife had grazed his inner arm.

I covered the relief that made me dizzy by yelling at him. "Oh yeah? Well that 'little cut' was damned close to a vein! Get into the bathroom and take care of it!" I ordered.

Sam did as told, and I followed, in case he needed assistance. "You could have been killed," he said, voice raw with emotion. "I should have remembered! How could I forget that?!"

" _I_ could have been killed? Anyway, what the hell are you talking about?" I demanded.

Sam hung his head, and I had to take over the job of bandaging his arm. "She caught me in bed with you, during that leap into the twins. We had words," he explained in a small voice. "She deliberately didn't tell me about that hunter until I forced it out of her, when it was almost too late. I didn't get a chance to warn you before we leaped out...I should have warned you right away!" He pounded his fist onto the counter.

I covered the fist with my hand. "It's not your fault."

"No?" he said sharply, eyes pinning mine.

The phone rang before I could answer. I went into the other room to answer it. When I hung up, Sam was walking in.

"That was security," I told him reluctantly. "She got away."

"What do you mean, she got away?" he demanded incredulously.

"She managed to slip past them and get off the complex. I ordered the search area expanded outside, but--"

"They probably won't find her now," he finished for me. "And we can't notify the police."

"I'll contact the Navy, see how they want to handle it."

"Oh, that makes me feel much better," he snapped sarcastically. "You should have let me go after her, Al!"

The evenings excitement had worn at my nerves. They snapped. "What, and get yourself killed?!" I shouted.

Obviously, the events had the same effect on him. He started to pace the room like a caged animal. "I'm not a baby, Al. I've handled worse than Donna on my leaps."

I watched him for a moment, then remembered an oversight on my part, something I should have checked before sending security after Donna.

I slid open the drawer to the night stand. To my relief, the gun was still safely inside.

Sam's eyes widened when he saw what I was doing. "You had a gun?" he asked accusingly.

I stared at him with a powerful mixture of shame and disbelief.

I froze...

Besides, there was no way I'd ever use it on Donna. “Would you have actually used it?" I asked Sam incredulously.

He didn't answer. Sam's non-answers were always very telling.

I was stunned. "On the poor, sick woman that we drove to this?" I couldn't stop the brutal truth from coming out.

"For a moment there was disbelief ? in his eyes, then they flashed in anger. "Why didn't you tell me the truth about us?!" he demanded. "Do you know how good the chances were that it would have jogged my memory? You could have cost us both our lives just now!"

I rubbed my eyes, wishing the whole thing really was just a nightmare. "I didn't."

"Because you were feeling guilty for fucking a married man?" he taunted. "Even after I tried to make you realize, with that book... How'd I get so lucky to be the one you decided to get some morals with?!"

I don't know why I just stood there. My mind was screaming, but I'd forgotten how to defend myself. I guess I was too stunned that he was saying those things to me. After all we'd been through--after all I'd been through, always for him. After...what we'd just shared together...

"Or maybe it was because of your obsession with protecting me. Were you ever going to tell me, if I didn't remember on my own?" Sam asked.

Sometimes, my non-answers could be telling as well. Besides, didn't he already know? Better I didn't give him the satisfaction of answering him.

"Do you feel paternal when you're fucking me too, Al?" he asked, eyes blazing with anger.

It was like a slap in the face. There was a lot of things I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't get anything out.

"You're the one who has the decision to make. Either I'm your lover, or your son. I won't be both," he said with finality.

"Get the hell out of here," I finally rasped in a raw voice.

The only problem was, the moment I heard the door whoosh closed, I realized what I'd done. Donna was still on the loose somewhere, over the edge, and angry with her unfaithful husband.

I ran into the living room and stood staring at the closed door, inner battle raging. I couldn't call him back now, not after what he'd accused me of. He'd know it was because I didn't want him out of my sight, and why. I'd lose him for sure. If I went after him and dragged him back--as I wanted to--it would be the same as saying I didn't think he could take care of himself. It would be like admitting he was right.

Was he?

 

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There was a lot of time to think about it, in the next few days.

I had all the access codes changed, took all the precautions necessary to ensure the security of the Project. After that, the Donna situation was out of our hands. Even though I was an admiral, there was no guarantee I'd ever hear anything about her again, whether they found her or not. We might very well spend the rest of our lives wondering...

And who was really to blame for the poor woman's breakdown? All because I was too weak to resist a romp between the sheets. What the hell was I thinking? Obviously, I wasn't. To let myself give in, and so easily, during a leap and while his wife was around, no less. Sam always told me my philandering ways were going to get me in trouble one day, but I never in my wildest dreams imagined this.

After several long talks with Beeks...Lord knew they weren't the first we'd had over the years, I gave up being so hard on myself about Donna. Verbena made me see I wasn't the only one to blame, that it was a long series of events, throughout Donna's entire life, which finally drove her off the deep end. And that every human being had to take responsibility for themselves and their own actions in the end.

Hint, hint?

Sam had moved into his office temporarily. I kept discreet, long distance tabs on him, but decided I wouldn't approach him until I'd gotten my head together.

I finally accepted that he was right about some things. I had gotten too overprotective, during the leaping. Maybe it was overcompensation for the reality. That as a hologram I was actually helpless to protect him, from anything. Or because I desperately needed him to need me, so I could pretend I hadn't lost him, that I was still a part of his life. I got slightly possessive too, fat lot of good it did me. It was my downfall I think, in the end.

The only way I could answer the other question, the one my mind kept trying to shy away from, was to ask myself if I really wanted a physical relationship with Sam. Beeks had hinted that I should tread carefully there; our emotions were bound to be running high after all those years of not being able to touch, the dangerous situations, the fact that I was his only link to his own time, etc, etc. She said we might be misinterpreting our true feelings. That a lifetime of conditioning usually cannot be erased in a week...

A week? Hell, Beeks knew all about the Samantha thing. What she didn't know was that in the first timeline--the very original one, before the dozens of others we created--Sam and I had been lovers. When I walked out of the Imaging Chamber and found Donna there, it was as if she'd always been, even though I remembered the leap that brought her there. The only past I knew was the one where Sam was her husband.

When Sam leaped into Samantha, my mind was zapped – I suddenly remembered something that had never happened. At first I thought I was going crazy. Then I checked with Ziggy; he confirmed it, and it became our secret. I didn't remember any of the details, never got back anything from those days, only the simple fact of what Sam and I had been to each other, once, long ago in a dream.

Because of that, I molded my feelings for Sam into a more acceptable father-like relationship. Until he forced them out again. Now, all I wanted to do was spend my time in sweet discovery of what I'd missed out on. I wanted Sam back.

 

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Another day was at a close. Another day without Sam. I'd finally gone to his office to talk, but he wasn't there. I considered looking for him within the Project, decided my lousy timing just meant the opportunity wasn't right yet. Besides, we had a lot to discuss, and I wasn't going to do it in a public place like one of the labs.

When I let myself into my apartment, my eyes fell upon the book lying on the coffee table right away. It hadn't been there when I left that morning, but I recognized it easily. A surge of hope filled me.

_Mirror of my soul._

My heart skipped a beat, and I looked up as Sam walked into the room.

"I'm sorry, Al," he began contritely, eyes radiating a soul deep sorrow. "I shouldn't have said those things...or cut out on you like that."

"I'm sorry too," I told him sincerely. "I don't want a son. I want a lover."

As he came closer, I gestured to the book. "How's it end?" I asked in an unsteady voice.

He slowly slipped his arms around my waist. "Happily ever after, Al. Happily ever after."

 

**the end.**

11/1/92

 

 

 

 


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